Now if I ever come out to them it will be even more awkward.

Steve got married, and I am elated for him and Elizabeth.

Why do I feel such disdain right now? Is it envy? Oh yeah probably. Is it the overwhelming feeling that you yourself will never be in such a situation? Yeah that too. I got to be the ring bearer. Next to the actual getting married that's like the most important part.

It's funny how you can feel like you give 100% of yourself for friends, and then you don't give a shit about yourself. You let the laundry piles accumulate. You shower every other day out of necessity. The concept of "smelling good" seems like such a crazy idea.

Maybe all I ever can be is the good friend. Maybe I am just the side character in everyone else's story. And there was Mitch.

And then there wasn't.

My non-heteronormative tendencies versus the overwhelming disapproval of the populace vs enlightenment

After all these years of loneliness, it was obvious one of two things were going to happen.

Either I let it consume me

Or I learn to fight back

But when you are so terrified to make a move, that even thinking about making a move seems impossible

Then does that mean the loneliness has already won? Is this a metaphorical battle in the first place? I could be one email or 100 from a major turning point.

But I am terrified to move.

At least being a statue hasn't killed me yet. But how much longer will that last? Maybe I could hold it off forever like a myth.

Maybe this was a battle I should have abandoned years ago.

5 am dream

Had a dream where I was playing DDR with a playstation controller, right in front of a TV at 864, sitting "Indian style", and then my black cat walks up and I think, "Wow, my cat is as old as I am. There is no where else I would rather be right now.

Today would be a good day to die."

In a lot of ways, my brain works pretty well. On other fronts, it feels broken. Outside of family, I have never felt that kind of unconditional love or affection for another person.

I think that makes me pretty textbook psychopath.