The second verse is always the hardest.

Free

I just had a random emo trip. It started out innocently enough, just go to Billboard and see what all the happening people are listening to. I recognize very few of the songs, and have actually heard even fewer. Long story short, I listened to "Free" by Zac Brown Band, and it got me really emo. I heard this song last week when I was heading down to Douglas, but my mom was writing it off. But it is, in pure essence, a simple love song, and it really struck a chord with me. I then felt compelled to listen to "Can't You See" by Marshall Tucker Band (maybe because I saw that Zac Brown Band had done a cover of it and I didn't like it that much) and then I don't know what the hell happened. I feel better now, but I'm just trying to figure out what catalyzed the whole thing. Maybe it's because my roommate is out for the week on vacation and I'm by myself and it's helping me notice how often I do feel alone. I really wish I could find a girlfriend, but the websites don't seem to help any nor is there anyone worthwhile I've met while trying to go out with other people (I went to bars and things with people from my math classes a few times, but I always wound up leaving early). So now it's 1 in the morning. I'm somewhere between hungry, sleepy, and lonely. Maybe it was this combo of imbalances that was the catalyst. But things will work out. Just takes time.

Brain Crash

So last week I finally finished my first year of graduate school. YAY! I still feel like a complete zombie. I was stressed out, spastic, overly frustrated, and downright stupid. My brain was gone (as evidenced by my Twitter) and marginally above margarine in intelligence.

So I think I got all B's. Grad school speaking, it's ok but not great. I genuinely felt lost during my finals. I just hope that this studying for my qualifying exam will help me finally button down everything.

I have not ruled out the possibility of applying to other grad schools once I get my masters. It's not that I'm unhappy here at AZ. I like it here. I just feel kinda lost in the background. How is it that a department with only 40 students still feels big to me? Also I just don't feel like I've found my "thing," the area of research that I would like to commit 4,5 years researching. I still have the 3rd semester research project, and maybe that will enliven my spirit, but after starting a term paper project which I thought at first would be awesome but ended up less than boring I just don't know if I'm ready for that kind of a commitment.

And having my family in town makes it better and worse. If I were to reapply and transfer, I'd essentially lose my two years of progress here and have to start again. At least I've been generally happy so far. Nowhere near financially independent, and often stressed, but overall happy. I had more breakdowns with Engineering than with math. I'm just tired of feeling wishy-washy.