When "Different" becomes "Broken"

I just don't get it. I wish I knew what it was like to have feelings for another person. Is it like having a friend you see every day? A friend you share a bathroom with? A friend you eat with all the time?

I've gotten pretty used to eating by myself. The few work friends I have all live on different schedules. so it'd be too much for them to align I eat breakfast alone a lot and also dinner alone a lot.

I also sleep by myself a lot. I haven't slept in the same room as another person since last year when my mom and I went down to Douglas to put flowers in the graves like we always do around Easter and Nov/Dec.

It was evident growing up that my brain worked "different" than the other students. Sure, we learned the same things, but I interpreted them a little differently. When it was obvious that nobody would be romantically interested in me, I kinda shut down. I stopped trying to even think about it, but life has a million ways to remind you about how the zygote you once were got formed, and it just doesn't make sense to me.

I am a broken machine, and I really don't know if there's a way to fix me, or if I'm even worth fixing. I've looked up definitions and videos of people who felt "different" and how finding a way to acknowledge that found them some variant of solace. But for me? I just don't know. None of those words sound right. None of those words feel right. I wish I could find some word or phrase in a medical journal or psychology textbook and proclaim, "Yes! That is me!" but I'm 31 and it hasn't happened yet and I've begun to doubt it ever will.