Burden

In a winding story about a music artist and drunkenness and loss, my mom basically said that if anything were to happen to me, she'd kill herself. Well how am I supposed to respond to that?! If I'm the only thing she has now to even bother waking up in the morning and going to work and taking care of herself, what does that say about me? I love my mom, of course, but this was just so heavy to hear. I know it's only a matter of time before I have to move back in with her to take care of her. She still makes more money than I do, so I wouldn't be able to cut it on a teacher's salary.

With Easter nearby, it's time to go back to Douglas to clean the graves and put in new plastic flowers to show we still care. Death is always on our minds around Easter, and not just because tomorrow is Good Friday.

My mom is stressed out and it's stressing me out. At least I can still drink alcohol. She's already on her handfuls of pills for this and that. I'm sorry for being selfish but what if I just wanted to leave Tucson? Last week I was fucking lonely during my trip to the Grand Canyon, but I know she physically can't make the trip anymore. And she wants to go back to San Francisco. And I want to take her to a Steelers game at Heinz Field. And I'm convinced neither of those are gonna happen now.

My mom's always been a weird blend of religion and other rituals. She'll defend her Catholicism but will gladly discuss Tarot cards and spinning in circles on a full moon to ask it for a wish to come true.  She has a book of Psalms and a book of dream interpretations side by side by her bed. She always say that I'll be fine without her, maybe a little better than she thinks Tony has been since my Tia died. But I don't know. I'm only used to this crushing weight that forced me to stay in Tucson both times for school. I'd be fucking lost without her.

Life Update

I heard Anise crying in my dream right now. I run to the door she's behind, open it up, and there she is, my darling cat that I had known since I was a baby. She's been gone for 7 years now come this April, and hearing her cry brought back such an emotional rush.

Wow it's been a long time since I blogged here. Here's the Cliff's Notes version:

I won about $23,000 on Wheel of Fortune, including cash and a trip to Costa Rica. I was never gonna get the final puzzle. It would've won me $50,000. I had a big party at Schrier's Sports Grill and it felt great to have so many supportive people around me. It was the last event my aunt went to.

Dora went into the hospital the week after my episode of Wheel aired. She had gotten an infection in her leg and she was no longer able to fight it because of her compromised immune system from the medications she had been on to try and help her and her liver. Those two weeks at the hospital were hell. I was supposed to proctor a final exam on the day she passed away. I found subs. I miss my aunt tremendously.

My hands started twitching on their own. My first fear was diabetes, but a blood test shut that idea down. However, I was diagnosed with mold biotoxicity. Basically my body reacts to mold differently and doesn't know how to trash the bad stuff. We suspect there was mold in the Hermosa house but never found any.  I have seen a specialist who wants me to get an MRI and more blood work that I just don't wanna do. I had grown more lethargic and not wanting to play Just Dance anymore.

We all had to move. My mom had to move to a smaller apartment since Dora was no longer with us. Tony and little Will and I decided not to renew our contract at the house on Hermosa. Tony is still in the process of moving in with his friend on the south side of town, but it's a lot more preparation work than he expected. I moved in to the same apartment complex as my mom because I felt like I need to be close to her.

Back to Anise. Now at my new apartment I am finally having dreams on a regular basis. At Hermosa I rarely remembered any dreams I had. If dreams are your body's way of system dumping information, then it's been backed up. My mom was talking about death and her friend Andy. Tony's friend Andy may have Thyroid cancer. Tony's older brother was named Andrew. That name finds its way into our family a lot. But she talked about relationships (or lack thereof), and how she doesn't want to get too close to any of her old friends because she's afraid of losing them.

I put Dora's urn next to my nana's in my mom's bedroom. Tony has said he intends to spread her ashes over water on a cruise or something because she always wanted to go on a cruise. When I stared at Dora's and Nana's urns together, I swear I saw not two, but three. With all the meds she's on, I know it's only a matter of time before I lose my mom too. Our family doesn't seem to live very long, but we try and make the most of it. I want to take my mom back to San Francisco while she can still walk. I want to take her to a Pittsburgh Steelers football game. I'm not sure how many chances we'll get.