Burden

In a winding story about a music artist and drunkenness and loss, my mom basically said that if anything were to happen to me, she'd kill herself. Well how am I supposed to respond to that?! If I'm the only thing she has now to even bother waking up in the morning and going to work and taking care of herself, what does that say about me? I love my mom, of course, but this was just so heavy to hear. I know it's only a matter of time before I have to move back in with her to take care of her. She still makes more money than I do, so I wouldn't be able to cut it on a teacher's salary.

With Easter nearby, it's time to go back to Douglas to clean the graves and put in new plastic flowers to show we still care. Death is always on our minds around Easter, and not just because tomorrow is Good Friday.

My mom is stressed out and it's stressing me out. At least I can still drink alcohol. She's already on her handfuls of pills for this and that. I'm sorry for being selfish but what if I just wanted to leave Tucson? Last week I was fucking lonely during my trip to the Grand Canyon, but I know she physically can't make the trip anymore. And she wants to go back to San Francisco. And I want to take her to a Steelers game at Heinz Field. And I'm convinced neither of those are gonna happen now.

My mom's always been a weird blend of religion and other rituals. She'll defend her Catholicism but will gladly discuss Tarot cards and spinning in circles on a full moon to ask it for a wish to come true.  She has a book of Psalms and a book of dream interpretations side by side by her bed. She always say that I'll be fine without her, maybe a little better than she thinks Tony has been since my Tia died. But I don't know. I'm only used to this crushing weight that forced me to stay in Tucson both times for school. I'd be fucking lost without her.