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I am really missing the house I grew up in. Last time I went to put new flowers at the graves, it looked abandoned. It was listed on Zillow. It looks like shit.

My mom dreams about that house a lot. She lived there a lot longer than I did. I don't dream very much to begin with. Occasionally it takes place at that house, sometimes where I'm living now. Sometimes it has my nana. I miss her too a lot right now. But she dreams about it like every week. It's like it's calling her. If she were to win the lottery, she talks about how she'd tear the house down and build a nice garden. She sucks at gardening. She misses nana a lot, too.

My aunt's health is deteriorating. First we thought it was just a mild liver issue. Then she went and had a strokeless stroke, or Bell's Palsy or something. I'm worried she won't be able to return to work. Maybe she'll get to retire early after all? We don't make enough money for her to retire.

I have a student who grew up in Douglas. She used her parents' header paper to turn in an assignment. I don't know Douglas anymore. It's not the Douglas I was able to walk to and from school, where we could walk to the corner store, and church, and Dairy Queen within an hour. I don't miss what it is now.

Pepper has been dead for 17 years. She died in Sierra Vista, alone. My mom tells me one time Pepper got lost in the church next to our house (there were two, neither of which we went to). And how Dusty would eat chicken nuggets.

Wow this is hitting hard. I should just try and go to bed. I wish I knew how to be more emotional. I wish I know how to be less emotional.

In my mom's dreams, my nana is young and pretty, and I am still small enough to get picked up. I hope my mom's heaven is like that, where she can be happy forever, with what I could have been instead of this failure I am now. I better stop before the vitriol takes hold.