Dating

I remember when I was in 5th grade my cousin, Tony, then in 7th grade, would mention that a friend of his had a girlfriend and they would hold hands and shit. And I thought, "Wow! I can't wait until middle school!"

And then it never happened. No holding hands. No phone calls (this was still the 90's, mind you). Nothing.

And then high school came along. I had some feelings towards some people, but then we became friends, and then I discovered that those friends could date, but then if that didn't work well it kinda ruined things for everyone and their friends (me) with all the awkward times and the "pick a side" shit.

So I didn't. Even when I went to prom with my friend Jean Morrison, it was as a friend. See my old posts from April 2004 if you are interested.  She coyly reminded me this as she came to pick me up. And we danced like one song and then chilled with friends wearing the fanciest shirt I have still ever worn to date. Jean now does a lot of LGBT outreach in Washington state. I had coffee with her about two years ago (ok, I probably had a hot chocolate or a tea). We haven't really spoken since.

But still, how many people can say they were drilled by the prom date's father about antiderivatives?


On Valentine's Day in high school, one of the clubs did a "rose-gram" where you could send flowers to people, either anonymously or with your real name to show off. I bought one for myself and asked them to say it was from, "a secret admirer." I received my own rose-gram in Calculus class and I felt like shit.

Then during my college freshman orientation, I sat with Sean and Zach (Zach's mom drove me home that day, it was nice of her). I remember we talked about our non-academic goals. Mine was: to have a girlfriend.

Four years and two degrees later, still nada. Sean had had a couple of relationships, and Zach was back with his HS sweetheart (and they're still together).

By now it was obvious. Something was definitely wrong in the land of Mitchy.

I mentioned this a few months back, but I find it hard to comprehend the whole "being with another person" thing. Friends are awesome, but an SO was always (and in many ways still is) something that I saw more of a commodity than a necessity. Look at the successful, barren businesswoman in shoulder pads I am now!

I have a profile on okCupid. I never check it. I got like two messages one time from a girl in Casa Grande, but I didn't want to drive.

There were no positive examples of relationships in my family as I was growing up. My mom and my father never married, and as soon as he found out she was pregnant with me, his ex (and now wife again) came back. My mom has numerous tales of boys she dated from 1977 until '89 when I was maybe 3. I remember once going to the bar on A Avenue, Dawson's, while I think my mom was on a date. But she always picked the "bad boys," so she usually got her heartbusted (not broken, maybe idk) by the ones who weren't so gentile when they were drunk. My aunt and uncle got divorced when I was like 5. I remember at my cousin's house (same cousin from earlier) that they all used to live there. And then Uncle Jerry lived in a trailer outside of town and my aunt and cousin couldn't really afford the house anymore and moved in with us.

And here we still are 28 years later. I have never had a "relationship" with anyone. I have been to friends' weddings and watched them smile and kiss and be happy. But I just don't fucking get it.

My mom is still hopeful that I'll find someone. I know for a while she wanted me to make a move on my friend Marissa, but I'm not that cool or that nerdy. I don't drink enough, either. I am perfectly content finding something on tumblr, jacking off, and then falling asleep. Same results, without the complications of other people!

I feel like I'm in my first big depression since May when I got the job offer at the UofA, and I'm scared. I'm scared that it will get as bad as it was when I was failing grad school because I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to be doing. It hasn't hit that bad yet, but this blog post has not been with completely dry eyes.

Because I used Clear Eyes. Wow.

But I've never been a looker. I should probably shave and shower a little more often. But why? I am so lost like a preacher's daughter.