It was a very anticlimactic faceoff between me, FFT's, and the computer lab. It was a Thursday night. not a soul around. So I worked on it into the night.

That nagging feeling

Ok, at least nowadays I think this has become a place just for me. If I could send longer texts and post them as blogs, I totally would, but my phone isn't cool enough for that. I should get a new phone soon, but I don't need a new phone. I just want a phone that works. All the bells and whistles would just drain the battery. I would like a phone with a basic internet browser so I can read some text pages and maybe check my email? Videos, music library, etc. that stuff is all secondary. I want a telephone that can do some stuff, not a computer that lets me talk to people.

I think I'm at a mid-life crisis of sorts, at least in terms of grad school. I will be getting my Master's in December. But then what? I know I'm supposed to focus the next few years on research, but the thing is I haven't found anything that I would like to work on long-term. Of course, no one said that research was gonna be a walk in the park. It takes countless hours of reading, synthesizing, and experimenting in hops that MAYBE something new will pop out. It's not a guarantee. The thing is I feel like I'm completely lost in terms of research. I've done a few interesting things with some interesting people, but I don't feel like any of it would hold snuff as a dissertation. I've worked on three different projects, one involving fluid dynamics, one involving digital control systems, and one integrating statistics and anthropology, but throughout all of them I don't know if I ever felt that spark. I tried them out because I had hoped for one, but during my time on them I never really felt anything captivating.

So now I'm free for the summer and the only thing on my mind (besides moving to a new apartment) is what the heck I'm gonna do once school restarts. I only need a few more classes in terms of units, but then what am I supposed to fill the rest f my time with? Research, right? But about what?

I have seriously contemplated the idea of leaving after I get my Master's and then do some kind of work I could qualify for, like maybe teaching at Pima or MAYBE as a general instructor at a public college or university, but of course getting the PhD would open up a lot more possibilities. The question is: do have the time and energy to commit to something for the next few years? I've never tackled anything on that large a scale before. I'm not sure if I can. Of course, the only way to find out is to try, but dammit I'm tired of throwing caution to the wind.

I'll keep fighting to see the day after tomorrow. I'm just trying to find me a good place to stand.

I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I'm just trying to find me a good piece of land.