Disappointed

I had a weird dream last week and it keeps bugging me. The particular details of the dream I can follow along with, just their meaning remains a mystery. But dreams are often like that. It involved my mom, and quiz, and being honest?

My mom and I were at a large theater, similar to the Fox Theater with its 20's-grandiose style. There was gonna be a pub quiz like Geeks Who Drink being held there at the theater, so we sat close-ish to the front to hear the questions. A few questions go by, and it's time for intermission. We walk around the mezzanine area and I spot my friends Dan and Carolyn there.

"Mitch, we haven't seen you in so long. Where have you been?" Dan asks. I'm not sure how to answer, but I tell them I will be in touch soon.

We resume back inside the theater. We sit towards the back left, and my mom starts asking me some personal questions.

"You haven't come out to them yet?" she asked, a stern look on her face.
I shake my head, wondering if she had actually just asked me that.
"I'm disappointed you haven't told anyone yet."

And that was it. That was the end of the dream. All the things that the people in my dream said  have got me all flustered.

In reality, I had just seen Dan and Carolyn the week before, at trivia like we always do on Thursdays. I was subbing as host for the week, so they played while I read the questions. When I started going to Dante's for a second quiz a week, I convinced myself it wasn't gonna be a regular thing. Thursday is still my main night, but I have met a lot of cool people on Mondays at other quiz venues. Now as a QM, I fear I am disintegrating my circle of friends from within. I am the one breaking our happy quiz family apart.

And then there's what my mom said. Truth be told, I don't know what the answer to that is. Ever since my cousin came out I have felt naturally pressured from a biological standpoint. Just today my mom looked over the life insurance coverage I can get with my new job and talked about maybe amending it after I get married and have kids. And I like women. It's just. Fuck. It's something I am not comfortable talking about, even to no one and everyone like you, internet.

Yes, I am still a virgin at 27. I'm sure my body is largely to blame. However, I know it's also because I never really "put myself out there" at bars or, heaven forbid, clubs. I don't fucking know what I want! Sometimes I think I'm asexual, and other times it runs through all the choices. The thought of sex grosses me out. Love would be cool, but you can't have the latter without the former. And the other big problem I have is, "With whom?" I feel like different parts of my brain react depending on which sex I think about.

This conflict comes from my different backgrounds, being Catholic and Hispanic, and having a gay cousin. I'm seriously on the verge of freaking out and deleting this whole thing, because I have a reputation and shit to uphold.

How long has it been since ANYONE has seen "me"?

Who the hell is this Mitch guy?

Broke

Having practically no money really sucks. I will have some money trickling in from tutoring and quiz, but it's gonna be painful until my regular paycheck from the UofA starts kicking in. Last two times I have gone grocery shopping have been very intimidating.  It's weird,  walking through the aisles and realizing that parmesan cheese amounts to 1% of all the money in my bank account. I quickly put it back and opt for just pasta and sauce. I will have enough rent money for August, but I don't know when I will get my first payroll check. September rent is up in the air.

I have thought about selling some video games and stuff,  but have not gotten desperate enough yet, I guess.  I started putting ads on my youtube videos but that won't amount to anything anytime soon; from my understanding,  Youtube will send you a check after you've reached $100 in ad revenue and maybe I've earned $10 in 6 months.  Not a good strategy. I would need a lot more views and subscribers. 

I also need to get new shoes, new glasses, a new computer, and new stuff for my car. It sucks knowing that I already have a lot of my future paychecks pre-spent in my head.

Welcome to adulthood?