Yoshi's Story

I didn't think I would be 35 years old and getting excited about a new generation of Pokemon that got announced this morning. I really love the fire starter, some kind of mellow baby crocodile dragon cutebasket. I love the way it looks. 

I have been watching a charity stream run by TheRunawayGuys, a collaboration of streamers, gamers, and musicians that has grown to a 7-digit charity event. You can tell how unpolished it is because they're literally running it from their houses and an AirBNB but it's good to see them (and all the donors) helping for such a good cause. 

And here I am, trying to schedule an online exam for an asynchronous class where half the students are failing because I can't write fair questions, thinking of the stuff I need to do for my own classes and how we have to chastise a grad TA for being unprepared when I am literally making it up as I go myself. 

And then they played some music during the charity stream in between segments. The closing theme from Yoshi's Story on the N64 after you've gone through your special journey and rescued the Super Happy Tree. When they all started singing, something in me broke. 

I shouldn't complain about being depressed. I got to play games with friends online for 4 hours today, and it was wonderful. But the second we disconnect, I feel that disconnect again and it's back to work or, worse, back to realizing you're 35, alone, and all you can talk to your mom about are video games. 

You had potential, kid. What the fuck happened to you? 

And now it's 2AM and I have three classes and who knows how many appointments and my entire Spring has been spent packing and making people miserable. 

Remember 10 years ago when you finally got to play Yoshi's Story and you were so stressed out from Grad School you had to jack off 3-4 times a day just to sleep? So why would hearing that song break me today?

Because I've been broken all this time and just trying to hold it together. I can't take care of myself. I can't do this job like they need me to. I can't even have dinner with my mom and talk about adult things, things I should have figured out a long time ago. 

I hate this brain and I hate this body and I hate always letting everybody down. 

I don't usually post these online too much. But I will be okay. I will be teaching and talking cool things about compositions and solving unusual equations. 

I hate feeling like I never "grew up." Like I was supposed to have his Aha moment but by staying in school and just playing my games and now it feels weird when my own mom hugs me and I can't do anything right.