Rough Day

Today I've felt like a piece of shit. Not sure which combinations of actions from yesterday are resulting in this, but today is just one of those days where I feel like the human waste I am.

I turn 30 this Friday. For the most part, I've been ignoring it. I do have a plane ticket to Seattle to see some friends and go to a convention all about video games, and that has me excited. But I don't deserve it. I feel very undeserving right now. I feel like I deserve to get dragged to a back alley and getting the crap beat out of me.

I am not deserving of love. My mom is going heavier on the grandkids spiel, and then she goes and talks about my cousin being gay. And I cannot say anything in response. I am not comfortable with my sexuality. So I ignore it. I don't try.

My friend Steve is kinda like the reckless older brother I never had. In a lot of ways, I look up to him, and then I shake my head at all the stupid mistakes he makes. My mom warned me about him. I started talking to him three years ago because I kinda had a crush on him. He's desperately straight. I'm desperately lonely. He talks a lot, and I listen. I rarely have anything to say because I know nothing about sex, or relationships. I know a lot of things about being a disappointment, and also Nintendo.

I need to head to campus and work on some grading assignments before Monday. I really have no motivation but I have no one to blame but myself for assigning such long sets. At least they won't turn anything in tomorrow.

Camp Fangamer 2016

"TAKE OFF THE MASK" they shout. Reveal your true self. Don't be afraid to uncover the truth about who you are.

I wept. It felt like they were talking to me. These were people who, merely a couple days ago, were complete strangers, but after bonding over a video game, I felt like I could be honest with them like they had been honest with me. Hugs were shared. I laughed so hard. I danced and shook hands.

Return to Mother, she said. You must be so exhausted. I wept. They had all seen this ending before except for me. I felt like a fraud among them. I don't know this game that well. But I know these feelings. I know this struggle. I know I am not alone.