A Letter to Jasmin

Dear Jasmin,

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to volunteer at this year's MathCounts competition. It was a lot of fun watching the Countdown Round and helping out students from around town. Truth be told, I was a former Mathlete, too! I went to state for both 7th and 8th  grade, and in 8th grade I got first in state and went to nationals. It was an amazing experience I hope to never forget.

A lot of thoughts started going through my head as I watched the students compete, instead of being the competitor myself. I got to watch parents and coaches stress out and cheer in jubilation as their kids succeeded or failed, and I can't help but figure that's how my mom acted when I won state. I bet they were more excited than I was. It had barely set in with me that I was not only ranked #1 and also got an automatic spot for nationals, but then I had to beat a kid taking Calculus. I won 3-1 in five questions. It was a blur and yet a moment where time stood still.

It's been moments like that which pushed me to pursue math in high school and college, and I guess graduate school, too. And yet, things haven't worked out like I hoped they would; I actually left the Applied Math program last semester. It's not something I've really announced to a lot of people because, well, it's not really something to announce. I could not find the motivation, desire, or pressure to pass my Comprehensive Exam. I even had the "Third Year Review" with Dr. Tabor, and after it my heart just sank. I was nowhere even close to ready, so I finally threw in the towel last September.

I feel weird, to say the least. It feels like either Math had betrayed me, or I it. Helping out today brought back a blizzard of feelings of hope, innocence, and potential with math that I honestly hadn't felt in a long time. They felt foreign despite being things that drove me to pursue my math degrees. I've honestly felt like a fraud for over a year now and it has not been fun. However, going to today's competition helped remind me of why I enjoyed MathCounts so much: it was fun. Math should be fun. I have not had fun with Math since I got my Master's. For me, teaching Math is fun. If anything, volunteering today was a homecoming of sorts, with the intent of reinvigorating one's psyche.

I am currently in the Stats program working towards my Stats certificate and am trying to get by with tutoring jobs. I hope to land a real teaching job either in Tucson, or elsewhere in Arizona. I always used the line, "Math has been kind to me. It is now my turn to give back to math," in various applications, but now I Need Math, and I hope it needs me somewhere.

I am so sorry for dumping this whole mixed bag of emotions on you, but I wanted to say thank you in a genuine way. I hope to be available for volunteering during the State competition.

Regards,

Mitch Wilson

Apologies are in order

I hate what I've done to this blog. It's become a roach's nest of hostility and guilt. I don't know if anyone still follows this, but I feel like I need to apologize to you, as well.

It just sucks when life plans fall through, and when you've been in such a consistent funk that you can't think straight or say one goddamn nice thing about yourself. Today is a better day.