Hiding

I haven't been to Postsecret in a long time. That being said, it still was an important piece of my undergraduate career. I remember one time people had put index cards with their secrets on one of the benches near Bio East. I didn't have time to read them all, but it seemed like a really cathartic way to let things out anonymously (I've heard there's a phone App called Whisper that is kinda the same thing, but I don't know much of it). They even had Frank Warren come to campus a couple times, and those were great. There was even a student-led display of personal secrets in one of the art galleries. Mine was up there, too; I had drawn an impossible maze using my Engineering graph paper and said, "I feel trapped inside these lines," indicating my loss of direction in my Engineering major (Seriously, I did not like it much). But there was another Postsecret I saw around that time, on the actual website I think, that had a picture of Jim Carrey in his bearded phase with dark sunglasses on. It said something like, "I need these to hide behind," and it still resonates with me. I think I have a jpeg of it on my old desktop computer.

[Does a quick Google search] Found it!

In junior year of high school, before things started growing, my mom bought me a pair of prescription sunglasses (I also got a regular pair, too) and I proudly wore those to school. I wasn't trying to be cool (maybe I was, idk) but it felt like some sort of millimeter-thin armor I wore to protect myself from the harsh realities of life. High school for me was relatively awesome, so I won't complain about it here.

When my beard started coming in senior year, and first year of undergrad too, it felt like it was something empowering. I don't know how to describe it. When I do shave, I honestly feel vulnerable.

Coming back to why I started talking about these things. I know things are changing. I don't want them to change, but they have to, because that's what things do - they change. My group of friends, my co-workers, a lot has been changing, and for this briefest moment when I take its derivative, I like it. The second derivative, though, indicates more. Work will get tougher, friendships will likely fade, people's perception of me will be forever different.

Because I'm gonna be on Wheel of Fortune! I auditioned and I made it through! I have no idea when or where my schedule show will be, let alone air time, but, yes, much excite!

I am also scared shitless. What if I fuck up really bad? This will be most people's only perception of me. I don't want to go viral, bad or good. Maybe I could have an excellent puzzle solve that would impress people. I don't know. I'm thinking about it way too much. I just want to win some money to help my mom with her medical bills and my cousin with his student debt. I don't want extravagant vacations or taxes up the wazoo.

While all of that is true, I'm just using it to hide again, behind what's really been bothering me.

I always fucking hate Valentine's Day. It's always another chance to disappoint mom. She keeps talking about how I'll find a girlfriend and shit. She's having those grandkid fantasies. And I just feel like shit about it, naturally. I already mentioned my non-status when it comes to being with other people. "Lonely" has been a frequent word on my mind this week, though. The song "Mesa, AZ" by Bad Books has been on rotation in my mind. It's about as Indie as I get. I even based an original piece on the melody, so I'd go back and forth between my version and the real one. I've had my crushes, sure, but I will never be able to act on them. Because, well...

Damn. Even in an empty room, I can't bring myself to say it. I start cursing at myself for my inability to type three fucking words.

I don't want things to change between us. But I know they will.

They already have.