The Same Old Question

 

So I ran into this on my Facebook page and now I am admittedly in a depressive funk. I remembered  I unchecked Female a couple years ago. I've tried to convince myself I'm asexual just so I don't have to worry about it. I can't accept who I am. It's a problem.

The Next Day

[adult content warning]

So about 24 hours have passed since my last post, and the world hasn't caught on fire. A lot of bad stuff happened in the news, but maybe I was just feeling some tangent of the cosmic sadness if that's even a thing. I did force myself to masturbate to imagery of women, and it was successful. It's always been weird, like my subconscious is fighting that kind of imagery. I still think it's because of how I was always taught to respect women and so the thought of putting them in a compromising position is inherently wrong in my head. It honestly feels like a different part of my brain reacts depending on the stimuli. It's not bad, it's just different. And it's okay to be different. It's funny how a day can change your perspective on things. I'm still not comfortable talking about these things, hence resorting to a decade-old blog that I hope nobody still reads. But it's something I have to eventually agree to on my own terms.

Sub Sub Conscious?

[Very adult content warning]

If a dream is your subconscious talking, then what does it mean when you have a dream inside a dream? I don't intend this to be some kind of Inception reference, but it obviously feels that way. What happened in that second dream is not something I'm comfortable sharing with, but I'm going to type it anyway and just hope that nobody ever reads it.

I was hanging out at a friend's house where I have IRL occasionally spent the night in a guest room if I am too drunk to drive home. He always encourages people to sleep it through, and besides his house is big enough. Suddenly, I'm in the guest bed when he barges in with two men I had not seen before. One was short and round like the personification of a cantaloupe, and the other was taller with a bigger frame and a muscular build. He quickly introduces me to these two, and I realize I have no shirt on underneath the bedcovers, so I sit up in the bed, using the sheet to cover me. My friend starts getting real friendly with Mr. Melon, and the other guy sits on the bed next to me. He's wearing a red shirt and has slightly pale skin. So we start talking for a bit about... something... when I start to look at his hands. They were bigger than mine, and were a lot less pudgy. I grab one of his fingers and start caressing it. My friend and Melon are nowhere to be seen. I then pick up red shirt's hand and start sucking on his finger. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't back off. I realize what I was doing and quickly let go of his hand and recover myself with the sheets.

Then I wake up, still in my friend's house. Was that encounter just a dream (within a dream, mind you)? I looked around and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I am still in the bed, wrapped up in the same bedcovers, and now horny AF. I throw off all of the nearby blankets and pillows off the bed so I don't masturbate on them, and then proceed to do so, thinking about red shirt guy. Once that is done, I hear that my friend is up and in the kitchen. I put on a shirt and head over like nothing had just happened. He was dressed in his work attire, catching me off guard. "I thought we were gonna play video games," I said to him as I looked at his plate. He slid the plate over to me. It had bacon and some beans. The plate looked kinda like a segmented tv dinner tray but it felt legit. I ate what was left on the plate. He motioned his clothes and I knew I too had to get dressed and leave to go back home.

Then I woke up IRL.

I have now been thinking about this dream for a whole day, at least the parts I can recall. I remember that I took two Benadryl last night, which usually doesn't knock me out (1 normally does the trick) so maybe I was in a deeper sleep than I have been the last few nights? I did wake up pretty rested, but have been in a very contemplative mood all day. These are feelings that I am not okay with, and I don't want to accept them as they are. Blame parental pressure or societal norms, whatever, but I don't like feeling this way. I wish I didn't feel this way. It's okay for other people to feel this way. It's okay for my cousin to feel this way. But it's not okay for me. I know those "conversion" therapies are bullshit and getting outlawed, but maybe there's something that would work for me. This is something I've contemplated but never acted upon physical harm to myself. Well, I haven't punched myself hard since High School, and I can't say I liked doing that. I've always been "sensitive." I've always been "mature." My doctors tell me this mold thing is related to psychosis in some degree. So I've always been crazy, but I don't want to be this kind of broken. I don't want to be this kind of lonely anymore. I know I have wonderful and caring friends, and hopefully this funk is just a phase I'm going through. But THIS, this not feeling okay, was supposed to be a phase, too, something I would grow out of.

So much for being mature.