drunken night? How the hell am I supposed to remained composed at their farewell/graduation party?

I miss my friends.

way or another, my actions helped lead her to her husband? Is it because I had a serious crush on her in ninth grade and confided it with her during one

it really feels like all my good high school friends are now gone? I know it isn't, I still have plenty of hs friends still around. Is it because, in one

Why do I feel so overwhelmingly devastated that one of my friends is leaving next week? It never hit this hard when my other friends left. Is it because

Ctrl+Alt+...

There's a part of me that wants to get to back into blogging, to get back into writing, to get back into doing something for absolutely no reason. But now it seems like everything has an expectation. Everything has to have a specific purpose. Everything has to be double-dipped, triple-dipped in order to just get by. I've always just gotten by. I don't know how to get ahead.

School has been going. Haven't got kicked out, which is a good thing. I had hoped that by the end of my third year of grad school, I would know what I would be working on for a phd. In terms of research, I haven't done squat. In terms of classwork, they're going, but again that notion of just getting by comes back into play. Either I have too many things distracting me (my obvious excuse) or I just don't know where to go from here.

I've never felt like I belong in any particular "group" of people. I recall my one trip to Mt. Lemmon when people joked about starting ghost stories...

"Once upon a time, there were 6 Physics majors. And Mitch..."

I have my associations, sure, but when looking at my friends, it seems that they have very few things in common other than me. Not trying to sound egotistic, but I've always felt like the rope, the glue, the rubber band, the mediator, the circuit that lets things transfer from place A to place B. In one way, I'm tired of it. I just want to be part of one circle of friends, constant.

I've been pretty down lately. Just. Completely lost.  It will pass, I know. But it's never easy or fun. But maybe I should get back to this. It helped me get through high school. Granted, I'm pretty sure nobody reads this anymore but me, but at least it gets things out. I'm not good with sharing. If I were to treat my thoughts like a packrat, or a hoarder, then eventually the stacks of boxes would fall on top of me.