New year, same old conflict.

It's funny how I just came back from a vacation, and yet I feel like I already need another one. Had an awesome past couple nights with friends and bringing in the new year, and yet I somehow still feel alone.

I wish I could just definitively say something that is so straightforward for everyone else. But, "I'm confused about the categorization of my sexuality," doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. For half of my life, the easiest answer has just been to ignore it. Focus on school and work. But I am now a 30-year-old virgin who can't even figure out how straight or not straight he is.

I guess the easiest way to explain to everyone would just be to say that I am bisexual. I have occasional sexual interest in women. I have occasional sexual interest in men. I would not say this is split 50/50 or even 80/20, more like 95/5, and based on history and religion and society, it's the wrong 95.

I have told myself, probably in this very blog, that I would rather be dead than gay. Well, congratulations, 2017 Mitch, you're not gay. But just barely, if that's even a thing. I have fantasized about women and having sex and getting married (maybe not in that order) and having families with them. I've masturbated thinking about my male friends and their virile escapades. The thought of being straight excites me greatly, but I have no idea how much of that is nature versus nurture.

I am, biologically speaking, the last of my bloodline, or at least the last one to still have a shot at preservation. My cousin came out as gay a few years ago, very softly mind you, and my mom had just one kid, me. So I feel this kind of pressure from my mom and from society and biology to procreate. But that doesn't mean anything without love. I don't know who I love. I don't know how to love. I want to know what love is. I don't know how to go on a date, or go to a club or bar to meet someone. Anyone. Maybe biology is better off without me. I can't cut it.

As much as I would like to believe that religion or praying would help, I know that this is something I will have to front, at least physically, myself. I am very afraid about ramifications from my employer, my family, and my friends. However, I am tired of living in this quasi-stasis of ambiguity and frustration.

Howdy, everyone, it's Mitch. And I'm mostly gay.

The thing is, it sounds wrong to me. So do I just need to watch a lot more straight pornography to fix myself? Am I broken? Am I worth fixing? I actually looked into "conversion therapies" and how they guilt you into hating yourself. I've done enough of that for a lifetime, already. I'm honestly at a loss for words for trying to convey this fuckery in my head. I am still too afraid to admit to anyone that I'm not completely straight. I've been praying and pleading for this "phase" to go away for over half my life now.

I've been trying to be a good boy. Please don't let me break my mama's heart.