Rough Day

Today I've felt like a piece of shit. Not sure which combinations of actions from yesterday are resulting in this, but today is just one of those days where I feel like the human waste I am.

I turn 30 this Friday. For the most part, I've been ignoring it. I do have a plane ticket to Seattle to see some friends and go to a convention all about video games, and that has me excited. But I don't deserve it. I feel very undeserving right now. I feel like I deserve to get dragged to a back alley and getting the crap beat out of me.

I am not deserving of love. My mom is going heavier on the grandkids spiel, and then she goes and talks about my cousin being gay. And I cannot say anything in response. I am not comfortable with my sexuality. So I ignore it. I don't try.

My friend Steve is kinda like the reckless older brother I never had. In a lot of ways, I look up to him, and then I shake my head at all the stupid mistakes he makes. My mom warned me about him. I started talking to him three years ago because I kinda had a crush on him. He's desperately straight. I'm desperately lonely. He talks a lot, and I listen. I rarely have anything to say because I know nothing about sex, or relationships. I know a lot of things about being a disappointment, and also Nintendo.

I need to head to campus and work on some grading assignments before Monday. I really have no motivation but I have no one to blame but myself for assigning such long sets. At least they won't turn anything in tomorrow.