I gave up dating 5 years ago

A perusal of old Facebook posts tells me it has been 5 years since I went on a grad school speed dating thing. It was on 4th avenue, a restaurant called Delectables, and it was meant just to grad school people. I met a few people, none that sparked but is was nice to meet new people. A lot of the pharmacists and doctors were turned off that I was a math person. And that was honestly the last time I've been on a date with anyone.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no ambition to go out and meet people. The biological thing pops up on occasion (innuendo) but the thought of a long term relationship with anyone just baffles me. I am screwy in the head. I never had a "positive" relationship model growing up, so it's something I've never particularly sought.Yes, I am still a virgin. I could probably do some kind of illicit thing off of Craigslist but why? I haven't been to okCupid in years. The thought of wasting time and money on other people seems silly and trite.

I realize this is what murderers say.

My hand tremors haven't changed for better or worse. I have no idea if the medication I'm on is actually doing anything. Somedays I feel thinner, somedays I feel like shit. I have been trying to walk around campus more, parking my car further away just to get in some extra exercise, but then I find it hard to sleep at night sometimes and the next day feels like crap. I should have gotten my MRI right after my appointment two months ago, but I have just filled up that time slot with excuses. I need to get more bloodwork done, but I am tired of spending money. I need to save for over the summer since I won't be teaching.

And yet, I find myself very lonely yet refusing to do a thing about it. Madness, I tell you.