"It takes a man to be a dad"

So I'm sitting here in the dark, trying to fathom something that's never really been a part of my life until now: Father's Day. As you may know, I took a shot and invited my dad to my graduation. I hadn't seen him in over seven years, and I honestly don't think I had ever had a serious conversation with him. Part of me really hoped that he would reply, and he did, but I have to say it still kinda knocks me off guard. So I've been talking with him now and then. A text messsage here or there. I caught up with him for breakfast one morning when he was up here in Tucson. I stare at the watch he bought me for my graduation, and I have to wonder why now. Was it because I was now an adult and able to confront this in a mature level? Was it because I was graduating with a degree in Engineering which could earn me a hefty income for him, his wife, and my half siblings to mooch from? Was it because it was the right thing to do? Maybe it was all three, I dunno, but I know I am gonna make a phone call come sunrise. Maybe I should do a text in case he's in church or something. Maybe I should be in church or something.

But that fact of the matter is, my mom is the one who's been there for me all this time. Why should I let this guy suddenly get some of the glory? I worked my ass off to get here, and my mom worked her ass off to make it possible for me to get here. I know I don't need a dad in my life. The question now is do I want a dad in my life? I honestly don't know. Louis is my father, yes, but is that as far as I want to take it? Could things have been different if he had been more prevalent in my life? Of course, but the fact is I see Louis as the guy that my mom had to force a court-ordered paternity test. I see him as the guy who bought me a baseball, bat, glove, and a Tonka dump truck when I was 3 and said he would come and play with me but never did. I see him as the guy I wrote a letter to one time when I was 6, telling him I had beaten Super Mario Brothers 100 times but it was still a lot of fun. I see him as the stranger that came and talked with me when I had walked to the Post Office to pick up my Yoshi keychain. I see him as the almost silent hug from when my grandpa died. Have I just opened up this Pandora box of angst of mistrust? Sometimes I fear so. I know my mom has been cautious about this thing the whole time because she says she doesn't want me to get dissapointed. Well I've already been dissapointed enough times; another time wouldn't hurt.

I don't want a new best friend. I don't know what I want. Closure? An apology? I've had all the family I've needed the past 22 years. I do still have that Tonka truck.

I'm gonna go hug my mom in the morning.