I'm already going gray. I'm pretty sure it's a manifestation of the fog I feel I am constantly in. Today has been a weird day. A friend of mine passed his Master's Thesis defense. I was there to watch, and it got me thinking: I am so lost. There's a big part of me that wants to leave the U after I get my Master's, maybe find a teaching job somewhere rural, maybe apply for some defense or government job at a national lab. I don't know. I don't know anything. It doesn't help that I'm writing this at 5 in the morning without having slept at all. I'm losing my friends and I suck at making new ones. I couldn't walk up to a girl if my life depended on it (death is always an option). My family needs a more reliable stream of money than 0.5 FTE graduate teaching assistant. I turn 25 in a month and I feel rather hopeless. I was having a serious breakdown today when I went to the mall to get some clothes from Penney's. I walked down each wing, trying to remember where stores used to be. The Luby's Cafeteria where we often would go eat was now half a Hollister and an empty building. Where the Macy's used to be they made it a new entrance which leads right towards the Cheesecake Factory. If it weren't for the old elevator, I might not have recognized Tucson Mall at all. I remembered the Sears; I bought my first Walkman there in sixth grade. The Suncoast had becomes a Gamestop but then it moved and now there's a Crocs store there. I remembered the Mrs. Fields cookies. I miss the big fountain. I miss the silly teapot. I miss the merry go round. I miss Luby's. I miss my Nana. I seriously thought I was gonna start crying riding up alone on the elevator. There used to be a Software Etc. where the Sephora is now. This wasn't my mall anymore. This isn't my Tucson anymore. I walked out onto the fifth floor balcony/roof at the building on campus where my friend gave his thesis presentation. Everything was still in the same place, but it didn't feel the same. I felt like a foreigner in places I know well. Sunrise is in about a half hour. One time I drive up to Ina and Campbell to see it. There they have all the fancy shops and stores. And the mountains were blocking the sunrise. I'm no rich man, nor do I ever wish to be. I know shouting a bunch of things isn't gonna help any but here we go. I'm gay. I'm straight. I'm lost. I'm selfish. I'm happy. I can't lie for beans. I've been living by myself for the first time ever for only a month and I hate it. I have too much crap. I need to go plant fake flowers in the ground 100 miles away. I don't want to go to Vegas. I didn't go to church last Sunday. They're changing the words there, too.