listing

damn, I need to figure out my priorities. family, friends, school, my own well being, etc. I just don't get this semester. The work, overall, is easy, and yet it takes up so much time that I have little left for everything else, and then when I devote myself to any one field, the others all suffer. I wish there were some happy medium without being overly critical and scheduled. I want to hang out with friends. I want to get A's. I don't want to feel pointless and stupid for not going to parties on friday nights. I feel obligated to spend time with my mom. I feel obligated to get good grades. I feel obligated to be the sober one. I'm fucking tired of feeling like I have to do anything. Where is what I WANT to do? I want to sleep and not go to any of my classes tomorrow. I want to figure out how I'm going to start practicing for Grad School, filling out Applications (I didn't get into Exxon. They already sent me the letter), and doing all my homework and earning money so I don't have to take out loans and let my family know that I still love them without actually having to do stuff with them almost every friggin day. I want to make the world stop so I can truly appreciate the moment without racing in and out of it to a vague unknown finish line. I want everything to make sense, fall in, and knw what the hell I'll be doing in 5, 10, 30 years, who I'm supposed to marry, how I'm supposed to die. I want to know fate. I want fate to exist. I want something, like usual, that I can't have.

Sorry for the rant.