today

Well, today we came back from my mom's visit to the surgical oncologist (cancer doctor, though they think the lump is non-cancerous). What else is there to say but that I'm elated and even more pissed off at the same time.

So we went to this technical clinic up on Craycroft near TMC. She was signed up to meet a doctor Joe Buscemy or something, but then this lady came in. Her name's Wendy, and let's just say it's a good thing she was there.

Let's put it this way:


SHE managed to do the PROCEDURE, in 20 MINUTES, IN THE CLINIC, what
the GUY doc COULDN'T DO last week, in 4 HOURS, IN THE FREAKING HOSPITAL!

She just went in, scooped off some lining, and was done.Naturally, I was in the other room while this was occuring. This lady even finally explained to Mom (and me after they let me back in) what her problem was. This growth they're calling a fybroid or something is not at the entrance to mom's uterus as originally thought, but rather that it's made itself comfy smack dab in the middle of her cervix. And it's growing, and since her cervix isn't dilated, it's putting pressure on the lining, which pushes it outward and puts additional pressure on her bladder, which is the main cause of her UTI's as of late. She's got to get an MRI for her cervix and reproductive system on Monday, and then another consultation on Tuesday to try and figure out a date for surgery and/or what to do. They're afraid that if the fybroid has expanded to the insides of the cervix, then they'd have to prolly perform a complete historectomy at the behest of the first GYN that she went do, but obviously he doesn't know much to begin with. So maybe things are having a light at the end of this tunnel. It's just weird talking about lady parts especially since I don't have them.

The moral of the story? Women make better female doctors, period.

Now I don't knwo what's up with the HTML, cuz I don't get it at all. But anyways, I got a pretty red water bottle today.

Also, I think I've uncovered the root of my fear to drive. It's been repressed for God knows how long, but I just remembered it the other day.

I was 12. My cousin Tony was visiting from El Paso and it was my mom's job to take him back. Naturally, I had to come along. It was easily 4, 5 in the morning. There was no one in sight and darkness loomed everywhere past the headlights. Suddenly, on a straight stretch of highway outside of town, my mom pulls the car over. KNowing that Tony was almost old enough to get his permit, she decided to let him go ahead and drive for a little while; nobody was in danger.

But that idea just freaked me out so much. I demanded to get out so they could go on and practice and crash without me, but mom wouldn't let me out. At that time the unknown vast of nature seemed safer than Tony behind the wheel, but I was stuck in the backseat so I was trapped. The whole time Tony was driving, maybe 3 minutes, I was screaming like bloody murder the whole time because, even to this day, I have never felt so scared in my life. I felt like I had absolutely no control whatsoever about my own life, and it scared me to death. I'm decently sure that's why I don't want to drive, because I don't want to have that feeling ever again (that and the dream I had where I was driving and hit a little girl when I was 15 years and 7 months old) . And now my permit's gonna expire. God, this is pathetic. I mean, I'm practically 19, and I still don't know how to fucking drive. The only reason I feel at all compelled to get it is not for my own benefit, but so I can stop pissing off my friends and family who I have to keep bumming rides on. Though apparently this negative motivation isn't very productive. Plus I have no self esteem, so that probably plays a part in it, too. But dammit, I just don't wanna bother anybody to try and teach me how to drive cuz it just seems like a waste of time for them either then or later. And I don't even know how to ride a fucking bicycle.